Humorous astrological related jokes and satire, funny zodiac descriptions and taglines, funny astrology videos and more!
How Each Zodiac Sign Begins a Prayer
How Many of People of Your Zodiac Sign Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences
The Zodiac Signs When it Comes to Snoring:
Zodiac Sign Pick-Up-Lines
After Sex Comments From Each Zodiac Sign
Condoms of the Zodiac
Which pet would go best with each sign?
What's Your "Southern" Astrological Sign?
The Darker Side of The Zodiac (rude zodiac sign horoscopes)
Warning: Explicit Language. Not for those who are easily offended!)
An Irreverent Look at Zodiac Signs
The Zodiac Signs in Love (Videos)
The Zodiac signs and drinking style
The Doís And Doníts For All Zodiac Signs
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO:"Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA:"Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS:"OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.
CANCER:Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.
LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.
VIRGO:1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.
LIBRA:Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?
SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough. OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.
AQUARIUS:Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--
PISCES: What light bulb?
ARIES:"Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"
TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.
GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.
CANCER:Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."
LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."
VIRGO:Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.
LIBRA:Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.
SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.
SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.
CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.
PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.
ARIES: "Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!"
TAURUS: "≠ A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food."
GEMINI: "A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--"
CANCER: "Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured."
LEO: "≠ A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn't compete with its owner's place in the sun.."
VIRGO: "Let's see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--"
LIBRA: "Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won't require as much time and attention. Oh, I don't know. What would you do? Are you sure?"
SCORPIO: " ≠ A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What's not to like?"
SAGITTARIUS: "≠ A horse, of course! LetĻs hope it's got enough stamina to keep up with me."
CAPRICORN:"Do I have to pay for it?"
AQUARIUS: "A hamster. First, I've got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don't make anything like that? That's okay, I'm sure what I come up with will be much better."
PISCES: "Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they're easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them..."
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.
Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.
Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.
Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.
Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.
Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.
Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.
With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.
With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
c Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.
Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
ARIES: "I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?"
TAURUS: "I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness."
GEMINI: "Do you have any overdue library books? 'Cause you've got the word "fine" written all over."
CANCER: "Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the person I'm going to marry."
LEO: "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
VIRGO: "Baby, you must be a broom, 'cause you just swept me off my feet."
LIBRA: "If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking through my garden forever."
SCORPIO: "Your place or mine?"
SAGITTARIUS:"Hi, I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you? "
CAPRICORN: "Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?"
AQUARIUS: "You're hot. You must be the reason for global warming."
PISCES:"Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?"
ARIES: "Okay, let's do it again!"
TAURUS: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
GEMINI: "Have you seen the remote?"
CANCER: "When are we getting married?"
LEO: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
VIRGO: "I need to wash the sheets."
LIBRA: "I liked it if you liked it."
SCORPIO: "Perhaps I should untie you."
SAGITTARIUS:"Don't call me--I'll call you."
CAPRICORN: "Do you have a business card?"
AQUARIUS: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
PISCES:"What did you say your name was again?"
Snoring so loud and forceful it actually butts into you with its intensity.
Peacefully stubborn snoring; don't bother trying to wake them up.
They snore until you try to tug at them to get them to stop; then they unconsciously change their mind and stop all by themselves, only to start again as soon as you roll back over.
They can't sleep securely without a good snore and will get defensive about it if you try to deal with the fact that it's keeping you up.
They snore! They roar! And they're damned proud to hear a tape of their snoring which you made to try to evince a bit of sympathy from them. Good luck!
Give them the tape you made for Leo; they will have it analysed and find new reasons to worry about their own nocturnal habits.
Loud yet beautiful, almost artistic snoring. You didn't think Venus could honk like that, did you?
Snoring that bores into your very soul, as you sit there wondering if it will ever cease long enough to let you get some shuteye.
The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?
Businesslike, rock-solid snoring. Snoring futures are traded regularly now at the NYSE; they all belong to Capricorns.
Your reputation as the water bearer is borne out when you drool like a faucet as you snore, making the experience of sleeping with you doubly awful. Welcome to the new age.
Rather than give you a broad generalization, I'll tell you about my friend Cris the Pisces: he snores so loud that once, at a campsite, the other campers picked him up, bedroll and all, and carried him 150 yards away and dropped him in a meadow. He awoke, wondering where he was. Ah, the Piscean life is indeed mysterious at times.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people spend most of their lives kissing mirrors. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Born on a Rotten Day: Illuminating the Dark Side of the Zodiac
In this wickedly funny guide, professional astrologer Hazel Dixon-Cooper casts off sugar-coated astrology in favor of exploring the maladjusted side of the universe. If you want the inside scoop, the real deal, the lowdown on each sun sign, then look no further. It's time to forget those traditional astrology books where Sagittarians are gregarious, Capricorns are ambitious, and Pisceans are dreamers. Instead, enter a world where Archers are loud-mouthed bores, Goats are pompous social climbers, and Fish are chronically helpless. Dixon-Cooper debunks the myths, reveals the flaws, and examines the dubious virtues of each sun sign. Discover how to use your own inner brat to outwit bullies, outmaneuver manipulators, and win those endless games that lovers play. Learn how to deal with those dysfunctional people you encounter every day, including how to:
The signs of Zodiac begin with Aries and end with Pisces. That is, they start out uptight and end up loose as a goose. They go from unbearably pushy and selfish to absurdly agreeable and generous , and range from fearless sheep to sheepish fish.
Aries is a sheep, I mean a Ram. Sheepishness is not in Aries' nature (see Pisces). Butting-headedness is. Sheep say Baahhh. Rams say Baaahhkkk OFF - and you better. Those horns inflict pain! Every Aries is pushy and knows everything, and they always cut in line....stomp, stomp, trample, trample, get ahead, come in first - yep, just get out of the way, okay? Aries is ruled by Mars, god of "I Win, you Lose".
Taurus is a cow, I mean a Bull. Cows give milk, bulls don't give you anything but flaming nostrils and charging-headlong-into-you horns. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths. Selfish good for nothings! Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.
Gemini is a pair of twins, a schizophrenic whacko. Can't stick to one position for a minute, and they lie. Fickle, flighty and totally nuts. Don't go out with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not. You'll never know the real answer. Gemini is ruled by Mercury - god of mind-tripping.
Cancer is a crab. That's all there is to it. Bitch, moan, complain, rag, perpetual PMS - man or woman. Once in a while, when the moon is just right, Cancer becomes a raving lunatic. That's the only relief you'll get from their insufferable whining. Nothing is good enough, nobody helps enough, you're not eating enough, blah blah blah. There's just no way to please them. The only solution is to put 'em in a pot and boil em. Cancer is ruled by spooky sister Moon and the wild, merciless tides.
Leo is a beast. Leos strut around like Mister and or Miss perfects - just like your cat. I mean look at your cat - what is it good for? "Feed me, Look at my hair, look at my hair, Don't I look perfect? Pet me, adore me, play with me - now go away" - hiss, scratch. They don't do tricks, they won't do what you say, and they shed. That's about it. Leo is ruled by the Sun - Mr. Shiny himself.
Virgo is a virgin. Virgin's are no fun. They're squeaky clean, too pure, and very picky. Nobody and nothing is good enough for a Virgo. They stare at you with those penetrating eyes, making mental notes of all your weaknesses and imperfections. Then they pretend to be your friend and help you, snickering and laughing at you all the while. Don't trust them for a minute! Virgo is ruled by Mercury - god of hyper-analysis.
Libra is a pair of scales - way out of balance. They keep trying to get it right, but they never do. They add a little more to this side, a little more to that, until they're so loaded up with stuff that they need to hold a yard sale. But of course they won't, and they always want more. More love, more jewelry, more fun, more money, more beauty, more friends, blah blah blah.. Libra is ruled by Venus - goddess of tons of stuff and goodies.
Scorpio is a nasty, stinging scorpion, a venomous vermin, a sneaky, menacing creature of the dark. NEVER trust a Scorpio. Scorpios don't trust you, and they'll kill you in a heartbeat. If you treat them just right, they might make good pets - properly caged of course. Scorpio crawls about unseen, digging into your private thoughts and dreams and stealing them like a thief in the night. It's scary. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto - god of the atomic bomb.
Sagittarius is a cloddy, tromping, whinnying horse. Stay out of their way...most Sagittarians are the kind of horse with blinders on so they can't see on either side and don't know what they've run into. And they always say exactly the wrong thing, like, "hey - you look so much older and fatter than last time I saw you", or "what's that thing on your face?" It's not honesty, it's just plain cruel. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the original Mr. Know-it-all.
Capricorn is a goat. A nasty, Billy goat. The kind that looks old and lecherous. They make their way up the mountain, sure, by any underhanded trick they can conjure! And they have curling horns, just like the devil! Capricorns will use you and abuse you to get what they want. They don't care if they have to eat garbage, or if it takes an eternity to get there. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn - father time, the one with the scythe.
Aquarius is a wild, space-cadet water-boy (or girl). Aquarians are completely irresponsible. They have one rule - if it feels good, do it. Aquarians make intricate, ingenious plans, then break them without a second thought. They tell you one thing, then let some wild-haired idea take them off to Timbuktu. Don't even try hanging onto an Aquarian, they're wet, slippery, insane people. Aquarius is ruled by Uranus - god of lightning, electricity and bikers.
Pisces is a fish. Well actually, two fishes swimming in opposite directions - always lost. Pisces live in fear because they know that dangerous fish-eaters lurk everywhere.... Just look at how they dart around, confused and disoriented, Pisces can't stay on track for two seconds, and if you throw out some tasty bait - bang, the Pisces is there in a second, ready to snag your hook. Easy pickins those Pisces (kinda like sheep). Pisces is ruled by Neptune - god of peace, love and spaciness.
How To Make a Aries Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Taurus Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Gemini Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Cancer Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Leo Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Virgo Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Libra Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Scorpio Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Sagittarius Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Capricorn Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Aquarius Fall in Love With You
How To Make a Pisces Fall in Love With You
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun . Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone . If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.
DOíS Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but donít try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arian, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DONíTS Do not tell an Aries that s/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
DOíS Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of color and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DONíTS Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
DOíS Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each otherís hand.
DONíTS Geminiís like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current .
DOíS Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DONíTS Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
DOíS If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DONíTS Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leoís always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
DOíS Virgoís are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. However, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DONíTS Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgoís have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
DOíS Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DONíTS Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
DOíS Scorpioís are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpioís are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DONíTS Scorpioís are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpioís have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
DOíS Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DONíTS Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks.
DOíS Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DONíTS Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided.
DOíS Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DONíTS Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
DOíS Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DONíTS Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign). ached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.